A better mus musculus trap

Filmmaker Pearl (Divan) Gluck's strategy: "This particular rabbi is known to have certain powers that keep mice away."

The wild breeding and release program conducted at my home over the last few of months has proven extremely successful. Despite my efforts to make the problem go away (i.e., ignore it), the situation is now exceeding even my highly-developed talents for optimism and denial (talents that always work best in tandem). In my spare time, I have found it necessary to do some research on the matter, with the hope that one day I will no longer associate the delicious scent of a cake baking on a sunday afternoon with the pungent aroma of broiled mouse feces. Frankly, it just confuses me.

According to the BBC, house mice originated in Asia but, like humans, have since spread throughout the world. Also like humans, they are considered to be one of the most widespread of terrestrial mammals. Their ranking in the extra-terrestrial/paranormal arena is as of yet undetermined, but stories of ghost- and were-mice have been circulated within the invalid, bookish, A/V, and shut-in communities for decades.

Although claimed by some to be nocturnal, mice will often venture out from under closet doors, appliances, and cupboards during daylight hours with astonishing bravado. While their diet is carb-heavy and generally limited to pasta, whole grains, breakfast cereals, and insects, they will gorge themselves on fattening nut butters and high-end pet foods, which are made readily available via live "traps." Some mice have even been reported to favor Atkins Advantage™ Bars, although I cannot corroborate this.

Mice are typically aggressive to each other. Noisy fighting between rival factions and individuals - e.g., rumbles, spats, tussles, and bitchy repartee - is common. These encounters are disturbing to human subjects but seem to occur at a quasi-supersonic level, undetectable only by test cats. Like human females, female mice have an aggression inhibiting hormone in their urine to prevent attack from other mice. This appears to explain why both species pee at an alarming frequency.

Similar to the Viet Cong and lonely American children, they have been known to build elaborate forts and tunnel systems, comprised of one chamber or a complex network with several exits and chambers. Some chambers have been found to contain bedding material, stolen pornographic literature, and snacks high in hydrogenated fats.

Recent studies have shown that common cannaboid substances obtained by researchers only for scientific use have a calming and slowing effect on mice, and also engender unorthodox food cravings (such as disco fries and Whoppers™). Drugged mice had depressed motor controls and cognitive function, and ancedotal evidence suggests that they had a greater tendency to explore tight, unfamiliar spaces and thus feel "trapped" once inside them, unable or unwilling to find their way out. When cannaboids were withdrawn from test subjects, the mice became extremely irritable and far peskier than the control group, manifesting what for scientists was the unholy amalgam of very cute and incredibly annoying - a status previously thought to be the sole province of tweens. These findings support the longstanding theory that cannabis sativa is both a gateway drug and a fucking brilliant way to catch mice.


As of now, Bloygevalt team member Alice has demonstrated no interest in traditional catly duties, preferring inert chicken niblets to a live catch.

For more information, see:

Behavioral effects of hashish in mice:
social dominance, food dominance, and sexual behavior within a group of males

Cannabis interferes with nest-building behavior in mice


Clearly mesmerized, a test subject views Fritz the Cat for the eighth consecutive time