It's the most wonderful time of the year (if you're not a hamster)

Hamsters like this one may get the winter blues because of the amount of melatonin it received in the womb, a new study finds

Many humans suffer from depression during the winter months, and now scientists have determined that hamsters also may experience anxiety and depression during the dark days of the year - especially around the Christmas holidays, when they are often left to fend for themselves for weeks on end in an over-commercialized atmosphere devoid of spiritual and emotional significance. Researchers fear that the latest release of Hamsterball for PS2 will prove especially destructive to the rodents’ mental health.

The researchers also discovered that female hamsters and hamsters born during winter months tend to exhibit more seasonal mood swings later in life, are often underachievers, and are generally poor at sustaining meaningful interpersonal relationships.

"Based on the similarities between depressive and anxiety-like behaviors in hamsters and such behaviors in humans, it is possible that the human-hamster genetic similarities we’ve been arguing for since the second grade can finally be established," said authors Leah Pyter and Randy Nelson, researchers in the Departments of Neuroscience and Psychology and the Institute of Behavioral Medicine Research at Ohio State University.

The researchers put the hamsters through stress tests to see if the rodents showed signs of anxiety or depression. The first involved observing them in a large box. Anxious hamsters spent more time against the walls, where they would be more protected. Less anxious animals explored the entire box, even the open middle area. Hamsters previously diagnosed with Over-friendly Disorder (OFD) remained in the center of the box and ran through an obviously rehearsed sequence of super-cute poses and cliché attitudes, begging for attention. “Frankly, I was embarrassed for them,” admitted Pyter.

The researchers then placed the hamsters in water. The hamsters that floated seemed more depressed to the researchers because they did not fight to swim their way out. Despite years of training in scientific method, researchers remained baffled and frustrated by this behavior; consequently, the hamsters were condemned as witches and buried in unhallowed ground. The hamsters that sank were suitably mourned and received proper Christian burials.

Finally, the rodents were presented with their favorite sugary drink – Pepsi One - and plain water: winter could even take the joy out of hamsters that normally sip Pepsi One with apparent pleasure. “We should stress that the pleasure was merely apparent,” added Nelson, who is also a lobbyist for the Coca-Cola - Seagram’s - Bechtel Corp. “It’s quite possible that all along they believed we were giving them Classic Coke, but this time someone forgot to remove the little labels.” Pyter had no comment.

Least surprising is that females also appeared to be more prone to depression, due to cyclical hormonal changes and other factors, but other research suggests male hamsters also suffer from severe depression — particularly when they are separated from their female partners — becoming slovenly and lethargic, often going for days without a shave. One study unearthed a large stash of porn in the nest of a depressed male hamster, which scientists believe he had stored in his cheek pouches during cage cleanings, to prevent discovery.

"Preliminary evaluation of the syndrome revealed a significant increase in body weight, decrease in social interaction, and decrease in exploratory behaviors, which occurred predominately in separated males," said Jacqueline Crawley, chief of the Laboratory of Behavioral Neuroscience at the National Institutes of Health. Strangely, females appeared to become no less depressed when separated from their mates.

Antidepressants seem to relieve at least some of the depressed male hamsters' symptoms. As expected, for the female hamsters there appears to be little hope.


hamsters
depression
witchcraft
hamsterball
no_hope