Close, but no cigar

The Audi-Oh - Vibrator for your iPod

Courtesy of ShinyShiny

Yes, that's right, someone's created a wearable vibrator that works in harmony with your music player. Strap the silicone butterfly in place, plug it into your favourite music player and get jiggy with the musical beat. It will also work in rhythm with external noises from stereos or club sound systems, so you'll be able to get into the groove and get off on it all at the same time. Ah, the joys of modern living! If that's not an example of technology making life better, I don't know what is. Get yours from the excellently-named Grand Opening for $69.95.

... As if everyone and her brother with an iPod, some doggie squeak toys, and a roll of electrical tape hadn't jerry-rigged one of these already (although everyone knows that I don't have a brother - well, not anymore). I can't help wondering what listening to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony would be like (you can forget about the "unfinished" Ninth), or the vast oeuvre of P-Funk.

A strange new world of music criticism is dawning, and I, for one, would like to take a ride on whatever wacked-out rocket ship is going there. This in no way diminishes or otherwise precludes my afore-implied interest in "real" men - in fact, now that I can (in theory) satisfy both my musical and physical interests so easily, I think I'll be feeling that yawning void in my soul a little more acutely. Contrary to popular belief, it's easy to be lonely when you're sexually, spiritually, and aesthetically frustrated: faced with that winning trifecta, what kind of freak wouldn't be bitter and miserable? But only a truly sorry excuse for a woman could sustain her existential miasma while enjoying a five-and-a-half-minute orgasm to Rumpofsteelskin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you that woman!