If 35 is the new 25…

... then 36 is the new 39 ½.

Always curious and eager to know ever more about myself and the world around me, I am an avid taker of online surveys and questionnaires. Contrary to popular opinion, these self-tests are usually a far cry from the “Rate Your Sexpertise” –style quizzes in Cosmo, except for the “Rate Your Sexpertise”-style quizzes. I highly recommend that you steal a few precious and irretrievable minutes from your rote activities and build at least one online questionnaire into your weekly routine. Not only will you learn a lot, but it’s cheaper than therapy. And, after all, what have you got to lose but 20 minutes, your tired self-image, and – possibly - your identity?

Today I took the RealAge® Questionnaire.* It is designed to help people discover how new improvements in diet, attitude, and lifestyle can offset the ravages of diet, attitude, and lifestyle. Despite my failure to get carded at bars and liquor stores (even in the small college town from whence I hail), people rarely assume I’m as old as I claim to be. Perhaps this is because of my youthful demeanor, underdeveloped secondary sexual characteristics, or emotionally immature behavior. Or maybe it’s just because I “seem young.” In any case, youth is something I have - until recently – taken for granted.

Not Anymore.

In the RealAge® test, your “real age” is adjusted upward or down depending on the answers you provide to relentless and overly intimate questions about your income, pet choices, and resting heart rate, among others.

Apparently, I answered quite a few questions incorrectly. Thankfully, RealAge® also provides helpful hints as to how one might reverse the seemingly permanent effects of the questionnaire with a few strategic lifestyle adjustments.

As a past-my-prime 39 ½ year old with no love life to speak of, no career, and few prospects, I can tell you first-hand that strategy is what life is all about.


My Personalized Anti-Aging Recommendations:

TO RELIEVE THE EFFECTS OF UNAVOIDABLE STRESS IN YOUR LIFE, SPEND MORE TIME BUILDING AND MAINTAINING STRONG, CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS.
Hello! Do you think I’d be wasting any of my time with Salon.com, Match.com, Jewish Singles Coffee Klatsch, and WWF Smackdown (and even my Clown College Alumni Association) if I weren’t already trying to relieve the effects of unavoidable stress in this very way?

DO MORE STRENGTH-BUILDING ACTIVITIES AND INCREASE THE INTENSITY OF YOUR OVERALL WORKOUT. YOU MAY ALSO CONSIDER ADDING ANOTHER CARDIOVASCULAR ACTIVITY TO YOUR ROUTINE.
As already stated, WWF Smackdown, et al. were not conducive to adding “another cardiovascular activity” to my routine.

CONTINUE NOT TO SMOKE.
OK. Tell me something I and everyone else born before 1966 don’t know.

OWN A DOG IF POSSIBLE.
I see. A cat you’ve lived with, cried with, loved with for nearly 15 years counts for absolutely nothing if you’re over 35. Anyway, my landlady won’t amend the lease; the sooner I die, the sooner she can jack up the rent for the lucky part-time web developer/full-time screenwriter/freelance handbag designer who slept with the realtor just to get into this zip code.

REVIEW YOUR MEDICATIONS WITH YOUR DOCTOR FOR POSSIBLE ADVERSE DRUG INTERACTIONS.
Possible side effects include dizziness, nausea, headache, moodiness, anxiety, constipation, and in rare cases, death. Symptoms of adverse drug interactions include dizziness, nausea, headache, improved outlook, increased motivation, excessive friendliness, and in rare cases, pleasure.

REDUCE YOUR DRIVING SPEED TO NO MORE THAN 5 MILES PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.
“Hi. Can you take me to 48th St. and 9th Ave.? But please - take it easy on the speed.”

TAKE THE ANXIETY HEALTH ASSESSMENT FOR PERSONALIZED RECOMMENDATIONS.
Don't let persistent worries control your daily life. Take this quiz to find out what you should be doing to best battle your anxiety.
Don’t patronize me. I pay a crack team of medical professionals to tell me how best to battle my anxiety.


Thank You, RealAge®. Now I can subtract 3.5 years from my projected lifespan with the confidence and peace of mind I deserve.


* This blog in no way endorses, advocates, or otherwise shills for RealAge® branded products, lifestyles, and opinions, or their sponsors.