Helpful Hints from Lisa H.: How to succeed in romance without really trying
1. First, stop trying. This means: stop looking forward to any intimate human contact besides "the usual" (e.g. mass-transit frottage, visits to the chiropodist, those dudes on the corner who always high-five you).
2. Next, rethink your definition of success. In most cases, an oversized Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt and a couple of reliable showerhead masturbation fantasies can be considered satisfactory outcomes.
3. Consider taking up a hobby where you could encounter potential helpmeets who have honed down their standards to accommodate your specific needs. Loner hobbies like taxidermy, Civil War re-enactment, and ham radio are ideal. Or, invent a new hobby. Depending on your audience, the story of how you came into your extensive collection of Vietnam War trophies could make you seem like a "real catch." Imply the horror: no one has to know the truth.
4. Don't act surprised by out-of-the-blue sexual requests, especially those requiring phone calls to NYC's "Quality of Life" hotline (311).
5. Squeamishness is a luxury you cannot afford.
6. Avoid inadvertent touching post coitus. Any intentional touching should lead to more coitus.
7. Be willing to share/give away apparently inconsequential items, such as your signed first-editions of Prozac Nation and The Hottest State, or the 60-year old bottle of brandy smuggled out of the Eastern Bloc by your great uncle (may he rest in peace, wherever he is).
8. Although you may find habits such as excessive mouthbreathing, a fantasy-fur fetish, or a soulpatch-muttonchop combo unfamiliar, never make suggestions to a candidate re: more appropriate social behavior, attire, or hairstyle unless directly requested. You just may lose out on the Skynyrd t-shirt if you do.
Her confident smile says it all.
2. Next, rethink your definition of success. In most cases, an oversized Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt and a couple of reliable showerhead masturbation fantasies can be considered satisfactory outcomes.
3. Consider taking up a hobby where you could encounter potential helpmeets who have honed down their standards to accommodate your specific needs. Loner hobbies like taxidermy, Civil War re-enactment, and ham radio are ideal. Or, invent a new hobby. Depending on your audience, the story of how you came into your extensive collection of Vietnam War trophies could make you seem like a "real catch." Imply the horror: no one has to know the truth.
4. Don't act surprised by out-of-the-blue sexual requests, especially those requiring phone calls to NYC's "Quality of Life" hotline (311).
5. Squeamishness is a luxury you cannot afford.
6. Avoid inadvertent touching post coitus. Any intentional touching should lead to more coitus.
7. Be willing to share/give away apparently inconsequential items, such as your signed first-editions of Prozac Nation and The Hottest State, or the 60-year old bottle of brandy smuggled out of the Eastern Bloc by your great uncle (may he rest in peace, wherever he is).
8. Although you may find habits such as excessive mouthbreathing, a fantasy-fur fetish, or a soulpatch-muttonchop combo unfamiliar, never make suggestions to a candidate re: more appropriate social behavior, attire, or hairstyle unless directly requested. You just may lose out on the Skynyrd t-shirt if you do.
Her confident smile says it all.
posted at 11:28 PM
5 Comments:
Just as long as you hang on to the Queen tshirt
Taxidermy is not a loner hobby. Just because they aren't with us doesn't mean they aren't with us.
Would a drunken, anti-semitic rant be considered a turn off?
I once reenacted the Civil War all by myself. Didn't know it was officially recognized as a loner hobby. Cool. (Or not cool, as the case may be.)
It's all about the special connections you make on-battlefield.
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