Helpful Hints from Lisa H.: How to succeed in romance without really trying

1. First, stop trying. This means: stop looking forward to any intimate human contact besides "the usual" (e.g. mass-transit frottage, visits to the chiropodist, those dudes on the corner who always high-five you).
2. Next, rethink your definition of success. In most cases, an oversized Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt and a couple of reliable showerhead masturbation fantasies can be considered satisfactory outcomes.
3. Consider taking up a hobby where you could encounter potential helpmeets who have honed down their standards to accommodate your specific needs. Loner hobbies like taxidermy, Civil War re-enactment, and ham radio are ideal. Or, invent a new hobby. Depending on your audience, the story of how you came into your extensive collection of Vietnam War trophies could make you seem like a "real catch." Imply the horror: no one has to know the truth.
4. Don't act surprised by out-of-the-blue sexual requests, especially those requiring phone calls to NYC's "Quality of Life" hotline (311).
5. Squeamishness is a luxury you cannot afford.
6. Avoid inadvertent touching post coitus. Any intentional touching should lead to more coitus.
7. Be willing to share/give away apparently inconsequential items, such as your signed first-editions of Prozac Nation and The Hottest State, or the 60-year old bottle of brandy smuggled out of the Eastern Bloc by your great uncle (may he rest in peace, wherever he is).
8. Although you may find habits such as excessive mouthbreathing, a fantasy-fur fetish, or a soulpatch-muttonchop combo unfamiliar, never make suggestions to a candidate re: more appropriate social behavior, attire, or hairstyle unless directly requested. You just may lose out on the Skynyrd t-shirt if you do.


Her confident smile says it all.

The wonderful terrible lives of Sigfried and Roy

A nightmarish postmodern take on the classic German bridgemonkey statue, a creepy and time-honored children's favorite. Testicles (not visible here) are much larger than those of traditional bridgemonkeys, and are sadly unignorable by Korean tourists and all but the most disaffected of German youth.

After a therapeutic week of readjustment to the soul-choking lifestyle to which I had previously been accustomed, I find myself nostalgic for the Heimat. Of course, where I was, 1 out of 7 people is American, so perhaps it's not accurate to call that particular corner of Germany Germany proper. Nevertheless, I did consume more than my bi-monthly portion of pork products there, so between the daily pig slaughter and the punctual trains, it's close enough. Aside from the aforementioned generalizations re: pork and trains - which are absolutely true - it has become clear to me that there are a number of disturbing and popular misconceptions about Germany and Germans originating most likely with the cruel and incompetent Roman dictators showed up by the invading Huns, and which continue to circulate in contemporary American society. In the interest of fairness and international goodwill, I am taking it upon myself to dispel a couple of the more destructive stereotypes and replace them with newer, better ones.

Unlike the British, who always love a good fight (preferably on a sidewalk or in the Underground), Germans are a peace-mongering, still-humbled people, and will go so far as to celebrate their own defeat to boost national tourism. In Heidelberg, for example, the thrice-yearly Schloß festival recreates the destruction of the local castle (and subsequently, most of the town) by the French in 1689 with realistic fireworks displays and the ritual piking of body parts on the castle ramparts, the sacrificed being chosen by lottery.

Germans, and German women in particular, seem to be weirdly comfortable with their bodies and unfussy about their physical presentation - unlike the French, say, or Americans. Although most of the women I saw did depilate their legs, it was nice to know it wasn't a condition of social status, employment, or complete and free access to public institutions, cultural resources, or beer.

Excellent produce. German lettuce is the Aesthetic Ideal of lettuce, which I guess makes sense since Aesthetics and Romantic Idealism were born in Germany (as well as the Ascetic Ideal, but Nietzsche was well known to dislike salads).

Germany is not expensive, thanks to the tanking of the Germany economy, not unlike the economic trends that nurtured National Socialism. As an American woman, what matters most to me is: can I obtain high-end german-made cosmeceuticals at 1/3 the price? The answer is yes - and at the local pharmacy, no less (not some foofy high-end cosmeceutical superstore). Also, travel by regional train is efficient and surprisingly affordable if you don't require seats or toilet amenities.

The heart-tickling but aesthetically troubling Sigfried-and-Roy-esque archetype of German masculinity (a natural overcompensation for the strikingly homoerotic Nazi-era image of the strapping "Aryan male") is nowhere to be seen, at least outside of Berlin.

Speaking again of the white elephant, we all know that Germany continues to struggle with the legacy of the Holocaust and the unresolvable historical burden that emerged from it. Yet, as a Jew, I felt far more welcome and appreciated in Germany than in nearly every other place I've ever been a bumbling aüslander [foreigner] including Utah and junior high, because despite the alarming proportion of "Aryan" blonde-haired youths I encountered - an experience reminiscent of my alienated childhood in a Jew-challenged town - it was obvious that nobody cared. While I did get one "you look Italian" comment from a friendly shopkeeper, I didn't take it personally. (What else would he have said - "you look Jewish"?)

My only real disappointment with the Germany I experienced is that, despite a recent tradition of public Holocaust acknowledgement, mandatory early Holocaust education, and booming Holocaust tourism, no one - not even the nice young woman in the tourist office - could tell me how to find the memorial to the town synagogue - or Judenkircheplatz ["jewish church place"] - marking a small house of worship conveniently located just off the busy pedestrian Hauptstraße in the popular Altstadt, dating back to the early medieval period, that was destroyed on Kristalnacht in 1938.

Wie sagt man das auf deutsch?


No one could tell me where this was.

Der Sommer in Deutschland, ist nich der Früling für Hitler heutzutagen

Despite certain alarming curbs on the freedom of hate speech which I have just now discovered that I take entirely for granted, there are at least three ways in which Germany has proven (to me) to be superior to the United States of America. Who knew?

Eins: Respect for the life choices and convenience of the individual, as evidenced by the many neighborhood cigarette vending machines.


Zwei: Appreciation of modern industrial design, including highly advanced toast technology.


Drei: Enthusiasm for the human body and its every need and function.


Ja! Alles klar, der Kommissar!