Mysteries Abound

Just when I thought it was safe to anticipate cheerfully the end of the most joyful holiday season, I received this alarming news from my "Moms." The photos are hers, as well as the commentary - notable for its ubiquitous Peter, Paul, & Mary references. Mom's all about Peter, Paul, & Mary. Especially Paul.

And as Mom says, "comments welcome!"


The face of Jesus appeared on this tortilla the night before Christmas Eve Day. If turned upside down, you can see a little man dancing inside a "U". Once again - the Face of Jesus, or a little dancing man? Or a young Peter Yarrow with long hair? Comments welcome!



The happy face appeared on another tortilla. Happy Face or Antichrist? Or an old, fat,completely bald but still happy Paul Stookey? Again, comments welcome!

The Festival of Slights

The Holy Family celebrates the Festival of Lights. Inset: Joseph basks in the warm glow of the menorah while Baby Jesus, clearly excited, awaits his turn with the dreidel. Mary stands by, greedily eyeing the mah jongg tiles.





Chanukah is the joyful eight-day winter festival during which Jews around the world eschew the usual and heavy ingestion of schmaltz (rendered chicken fat, the preferred seasoning) to celebrate instead The Miracle of the Oil™, as evidenced by the seasonal depletion of U.S. Crisco® stores from secret government aquifers in the midwest. Many complain that in recent decades Chanukah has been "christified" as a means to keep up with the overwrought commercialization of the season: a vigorous emphasis on Chanukah decorations, Chanukah gift buying, and Chanukah gift giving has superceded traditional family values and eroded the more benign Chanukah traditions of high-test sugar consumption, gambling, and household pyrotechnics. Lest we forget, Chanukah is a time to commemorate a small band of guerillas* who reclaimed their defiled place of worship amid a fierce and protracted conflict, and the miracle of the oil later fabricated by rebbes in cahoots with OPEC in order to generate consumer desire for oil-saturated fried foods (despite unfortunate and well-known side effects such as arteriosclerosis, heart disease, acne, and anal leakage).

This year, the first night of Chanukah fell on Christmas. While this may have distracted some members of the Jewish community from Chanukah responsibilities, or allowed gentile friends to conveniently ignore their own (you know who you are), I should not have to remind the reader that Christmas is, after all, a time when people all around the world are expected or required by law to honor the birthday of the most famous Jew that ever lived. (Unless you live in France, where that honor still inexplicably falls to Jerry Lewis.)

*Guerrilla tactics are based on ambush, sabotage, and "playing stupid," and their ultimate objective is usually to destabilize an authority through long, low-intensity confrontation and relentless whining. It can be quite successful against an unpopular foreign regime or intractable parents: a guerrilla army may increase the cost of maintaining an occupation or a colonial presence above what the foreign power may wish to bear.

"Happy Holidays"

In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.

But the angel said to them,
Fear not, for I bring you good tidings of great joy. Unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find the child wrapped in bands of cloth, and lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and good will to men.

Featuring, clockwise from left: Wooden Cat (sheep) Drinking Bird (shepherd), Catnip Mouse and Afrokin (sheep), Snorlax (Joseph), Juju Doll (Mary), Dreaded Vacuum Monster from The Yellow Submarine (Angel of the Annunciation), Paul from The Yellow Submarine (Caspar), McDonald's Happy Meal™ Baboon from The Lion King (Melchior), Kokopelli (Balthazar), and Baby Jesus (as himself).

Worst lines ever (many of which worked); or, Can’t a man roger for sixpence? *

So, what are you doing in the library?
Seriously, I’ve never done this before.
This is Bacardi and coke.
I really want to take things slowly this time.
There's a condom in my pocket.
You seem like you want to make love to me.
Well, you hardly seem shy to me...
I have a feeling that your coming into my life is the best thing that's happened to me for a long, long time.
In the dream, we had sex.
Want to come back to my apartment and watch a Joseph Campbell video?
What’s the matter, don’t you want to have an orgasm?
I want to do you.
My second wife had an affair with my best friend.
Do you want to see my kit?
This is an excellent paper - it’s obvious you worked very hard on it.
I made the punch with Everclear. Try it!
If a bunch of us were in a plane crash in the mountains and were starving, you’d be the one we’d eat first.
God, you’re beautiful.
It's the champagne of beers.
My father’s cousin is Richard Dreyfuss.


*James Boswell

Four more reasons why

[J]ust as wishing is the most paltry of all solo performances, so being sympathetic in the sense in which the word is usually used is the most paltry of virtuosities and aptitudes. Sympathy, so far from being a good to the sufferer, is rather a means of protecting one’s own egotism.
- Søren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Anxiety



[T]he price we pay for our advance in civilization is a loss of happiness through the heightening of the sense of guilt.
-Sigmund Freud, Civilization and its Discontents



[I]n the smallest and greatest happiness there is always one thing that makes it happiness: the power of forgetting…
-Friederich Nietzsche, The Use and Abuse of History


Can we help requiring much of those we love? Can we help instructing those to whom we would be loyal?
-Confucius