36

Today we returned the rental car; I accompanied my friend to her monthly "doctor's appointment," after which we each enjoyed a delicious vegetarian-style sandwich; and conducted a hopeful but ultimately disappointing search for a rumored men's "own your power" workshop flyer* allegedly posted in and around Harvard Yard. Then, we simultaneously numbed and prolonged our disappointment by unsuccessfully trying on clothes at H&M. At Filene's Basement, however, I did acquire two severely marked-down items by my favorite designer, despite the fact that one of them makes my butt look kind of lumpy.

If getting older gets me anything besides a lumpy butt, then I'll be needing this two-piece ensemble for my new job. With a new job, I will have less time but more reason to exercise - thereby reducing the lumpiness and increasing the bootyliciousness - which bootyliciousness will allow me 1) to purchase additional, better-fitting articles of clothing, and 2) to increase my chances of getting promoted. You wouldn't know it to read or look at me, but I can really work the bootyliciousness when I want to. Ask anyone.

As soon as I finish this post I will lie down and rest up after my full day, and then probably eat dinner. I'm still hoping to receive my mother's annual birthday phone call, although at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

Still, it's wonderful to be alive.

Tomorrow, I return to Brooklyn.



* I was hoping to procure this item for the sake of my new on-blog friends, EGIT and Mac Daddy, both of whom I have been hectoring (off-blog) lately about trying a little harder to own their power.

T-minus 1: Civil Disobedience, or Keeping It Real

In the tradition of Kurt - a true trendsetter - I have wended my way to the lair of Fuzzworks to spend my birthday with Jenifuzz, Hogg, and the ever-elusive Fuzz Bandit. It has been a lovely day here in ___________(location). Following an extended morning bout of intensive blogging and blog-related activities, we were provoked by the fine weather and news of the impending speech by our President (George W. Bush) to commit some anticipatory and fun civil disobedience. Walden Pond proved an appropriate - if crowded - spot to swim, picnic, and plot the downfall of our current administration (by nonviolent means). Our cabal continued its plotting while enjoying some of the local ice creams for which Walden and is environs are so famous.

On a related note, we officially condemn today's Supreme Court decision that allows manufacturers of file-sharing software to be sued by The Man for copyright infringement. As a red-blooded American - or so they tell me - I should be allowed to exercise the God-given right to share my love for all things Hootie and the Blowfish. Why not? In the end, they are only hurting themselves.

As Henry David Thoreau famously wrote, "Make love, not war."

On the way back to the parking lot, we made a brief pilgimage to the original site of Thoreau's crib. This dwelling is most well-known for being the Notorious T's home-away-from-home when he was in the woods keeping it real (and on the D.L.) 24/7 - 365. Unfortunately, we found neither signs of the original beanfield, nor evidence of any rough-hewn bling.


After enjoying a multitude of pre-birthday fêtes, feasts, and benders, I plan to spend tomorrow - the birthday proper - secluded in a dark, semi-private room. This is in part (I'm ashamed to say) because of my newfound and irrational fear of birthday overkill. - And in part because 4 out of 5 experts consulted agree that it is absolutely necessary to lie low before any planned civil action involving the tactical deployment of substandard ice creams, bogus bling, or the less-popular Blowfish. But mostly it is because the municipal American League baseball team I've cheered on from afar - for lo, these many years - is enjoying a three-day stretch of home games coetaneous with my visit, but it is impossible to get tickets now that everybody who's anybody and his monkey likes them, so what's the point?

T-minus 7: What's in the stars?

Events for June 28, 2005
Executive Committee
at Bob's Doughnuts
Starts on June 28, 2005 at 7:45AM
Ends on June 28, 2005 at 9:45AM
The Executive Committee meets to set the agenda for the upcoming Board meeting

Bob's Doughnuts is located in Farmer's Market
****
Chicago Cubs vs. Milwaukee Brewers
June 28 2005
Wrigley Field - Tuesday 7:05 PM
****
NBA Draft Lottery
***
DVD releases
Air Force One
Starship Troopers
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
***
The Last Quarter Moon, of Tuesday, June 28th, represents a crisis in consciousness stemming from the earlier New Moon that began the cycle in Gemini. Since this New Moon opposed Pluto, we can bet that some form of important transformation is involved with our process this month, and this is the time that we may become more aware of issues or conditions that we must face. The Last Quarter Moon conjuncts Mars, and opposes Jupiter, while Venus and Mercury, conjunct in the first degree of Leo, oppose Chiron. It will be a time of awareness and perhaps also painful realizations, depending on how well we have received the lessons of the past three weeks. Even if we didn't get it right, there is always room for improvement the next time around. We're in this for keeps, after all.

Should I shoot myself now, or wait until after I watch Anacondas?

The Well of Onliness (A Pre-Pride Week Rip-off)

Did God make me this way? ... or was it my first boyfriend?



The emotional rollercoaster is finally back on track. For awhile I was beginning worry that I would never doubt my thoughts, feelings or experiences ever again.

In fact, this mood fluctuation (which, I'm always being told, is "perfectly normal") has only enhanced my capacity for introspection and indecisiveness, although I've wondered for years if I've been trying too hard to have what I can never have, to be someone I can never be. Is the reason I've spent so much of my life alone obvious to everyone but me? Should I go ahead and re-assign my Salon.com profile to the other side?


Likes:

"In the Life"

bears (or in straight parlance, "I ♡ fat boys")

Kashmir

really cool women

geeks

fixing things

(most) competitive sports

sex with someone who knows what (s)he's doing

Dislikes:

"One Tree Hill"

Abercrombie and Fitch

Zeppelin IV

really cool men

girlie girls

feeling helpless and confused

New Games

98% of total sexual experience to date

Food for thought...

chopped hair off 4 times since age 22 (the "coming out" age)

well-known breast obsession

feel at ease among the queer

didn't kiss a boy until age 14

penises are kind of weird

Not bloody likely...

missed my long hair after 2 months

want the breasts, not the woman

will identify with any marginalized group, as long as it has a hit TV show

never kissed a girl

penises are kind of cute - plus, really enjoy a good poking

And finally, the Greek Chorus...

Dr. A: "Why do you think you're a lesbian, just because you're miserable and alone?"

Chris W.: "You would make an excellent gay man."

Guy in bed: "I can't help fantasizing about you and --"

Me: "Maybe it would just be easier this way."

Mom: "Of course I'll still love you. But I want grandchildren."

Anyone who wishes to help me answer this question, feel free to comment in a thoughtful and informed manner that does not break the strict Internet and Internet2 obscenity laws in WY, VA, DE, IA, and ND.

PS: I would prefer that respondents be male and straight - but (obviously) I'm open to suggestion.

In Search of Lost Time: Born Too Late, Wasted Youth, or How Can I Leave this Behind?

If you believe in astrology (or are just addicted to Em and Lo), then you will understand why each of these people and I have so much in common. I can't believe this information has only now come to my attention; if I'd known what illustrious and/or notorious company I keep, maybe I'd have done something valuable with my life - such as save the children - rather than ceaselessly parade my Google-assisted knowledge of meaningless factoids across the internets.

Henry VIII

An Institutional Management maverick: when he didn't like something, he used his imagination and cunning to change it, or have it beheaded. Some say he was fickle. I say, he just didn't want to settle.

Peter Paul Rubens

Single-handedly invented "bootylicious." (As opposed to Paul Rubens, who single-handedly acknowledged that "Everyone I know has a big butt" - among other things.)

Speaking of which ...


Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Revolutionary thinker. Talented writer and social critic. Incurable romantic. Spanko.

Richard Rodgers (Not pictured here)

Who once knew all the words to all the songs in Oklahoma!? Who stayed up past her bedtime to watch the entirety of The Sound of Music every time it was on TV? Who has always wanted to be in an amateur production of Pal Joey (just for the title)? Who sang a screeching rendition of "A Cock-eyed Optimist" (South Pacific) for her 8th-grade musical audition? Who is a cock-eyed optimist?*
* Once again, I quote my friend Chris W.: "Lisa, you would make an excellent gay man."

Mel Brooks
Why, it's always Springtime for Hitler when I'm around! Ask anyone.

Jackie O.

Style, class, beauty - what's not to love? Plus, the Chinese thoughtfully put her on a series of $1M Hell notes. I should be so lucky.

Gilda Radner
As pictured here, at least 78% nerd - I rest my case, Todd.

If There's a God in Heaven ...

I will look this good in a bikini before I go.


I'll find my niche and succeed.


True Love will find me.


Liberace will be my funeral director.

Love

It's not just for breakfast anymore, or these things practically write themselves

Giotto. Desperatio, 1306

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape.
-William S. Burroughs
__________________________________________
Thank you for taking Match.com's exclusive, Ph.D.-designed Personality Test!

You're adored, and for good reasons
You bring real passion to life. You're a woman of great integrity who'll stand up and fight for causes she believes in. You have a vision for the future and always are searching to find love and a sense of "balance" in your life. You refuse to settle long-term for a boring job or doing something just because it's expected of you. You have good friends and really appreciate the people in your life. You put the ones you love ahead of everything else. In fact, sometimes you can put them ahead of your own needs. You're overdue to bring real romance into your life and ready to experience a powerful "spark" with someone special.

Okay. This description seems a little over-the-top, but sure - if you say so.

Quirks men notice
Like all women, you have your strengths as well as your quirks and shortcomings.

• At times you can become so focused on ideas, plans for the future, or a new project that you lose track of the day to day details of life (like doing laundry, balancing your checkbook, or even eating).
• You can worry too much about your relationship and need reassurance that things are okay.
  
• Some days when you're in a bad mood and can't hide it, co-workers or friends take it personally and think you're upset at them.
  

Seems reasonable to me.

Quirks you may notice
You have a lot going on in your head and can forget to take care of practical things.
Because you're sensitive, you sometimes carry the worries of the world on your shoulders.

Tell me something I don't know.

Now you can find someone whose personality will be truly compatible with yours.

Great! When can I start?
______________________________

Turn-ons : Flirting, Public displays of affection, Erotica; Turn-offs: Sarcasm
About me and who I'd like to date: I do not believe in constants therefore I find it difficult to relate to people who have very strong opinions about anything.
Most humbling moment: buildings
About me and who I'd like to date: I'll start with my appearance.
Turn-offs: Dancing
About me and who I'd like to date: I'll give anything a shot.
Favorite Hot Spots: I live in Soho and love it.
About me and who I'd like to date: I love my individuality.

....(Your Profile viewed: 544 times) ....

Nowadays not even a suicide kills himself in desperation. Before taking the step he deliberates so long and so carefully that he literally chokes with thought. It is even questionable whether he ought to be called a suicide, since it is really thought which takes his life. He does not die with deliberation but from deliberation.
-Søren Kierkegaard

One more reason ... (that I am no longer dating)

After several spins around the internet dating duty-wheel, I’ve had it (c.f. posts of 5/31, 6/1). However, partly out of not-quite-extinguished hope, but mostly out of total apathy and my increasingly phlegmatic attitude toward everything, I have left a long trail of discarded profiles across the internets - like the searing afterburn of a rocket booster, or a fatty meal on a bad date.

Occasionally, I get a shout-out from someone who comes across one of these obsolete (and impotent) efforts at pimping myself for love, i.e. "weight: 125 lbs"; "interests: crime-scene photography, Ptolemaic physics, and the elderly (they are such an under-appreciated resource, don't you think?)." Every one of these calls from beyond the dating grave serves as a healthy reminder of what I’m not missing. To prove my point, here are the highlights of the most recent:

Celebrity I resemble most
I don't look like much of anybody … but I've been on C-SPAN to talk about my blog.

I do not know whether I should curse Em and Lo for coming up with this question or thank them for their incredible intuition that - in the right people - it would elicit a most terrible truth.

Song or album that puts me in the mood
Brian Eno's Music for Airports and anything by Steve Reich.

Great. I like these composers too. I’d even go so far as to say that Music for Airports (even the Dune soundtrack), Music for Pieces of Wood, and all such music sonic experiences would definitely put me in the mood for anything that involves being 16, getting "totally baked," and then watching the lights move on someone's graphic equalizer for the next 3-5 hours. In this scenario, I'm not sure what else would qualify as "in the mood." Maybe I'm missing something?

More about Me
I run a spiffy website which has been written up in Time Out NY, the Village Voice, and the NY Times Book Review (and, as previously mentioned, got me on C-SPAN). And I'm good with cats.

Come on - we all know that blogs are the pet projects of failed "real-worlders," the fashion-challenged, and the chronically lonely. I don't see how publicizing this sad fact about yourself in print, television, and/or electronic media could ever change, or even slightly ameliorate, your sorry state. In fact, the very though of it makes me embarrassed for the both of us. But the cats thing – always a plus.

The five items I can't live without
All I can really think of is my laptop. Well, maybe the full size, 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary I share with my wife.

Now you’re just bragging. Wait a minute …

MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR
I'm married, but I get along best of all with women (with gay men trailing not far behind). Mind you, "play" is an option, but it depends on whether my wife takes an interest in you as well.

Um.
I have no idea how to respond to this, other than to put it in my blog (see above), and recognize yet another sign that I've made the right choice (for me).


Post Script: To add insult to injury, in his note to me this self-confessed blogger insisted upfront that he was only interested in friendship. A gay man once told me that I would "make a great gay man" (I quote verbatim). Whether or not this was actually a compliment, it does cause me to wonder: if I were a gay man now, would "play" be more or less of an option?

Look at all the colors

Why?




It was high time for a change.

RE: Prospective Geeks

So I'm still "not dating" (and today pondered long and hard in the shower the etymology and strange idiomatic nature of the terms "to date" and "dating" - but that's a story best left for a rainy night in front of the fire or a long walk on the beach with that certain special logophile). However, in light of recent discourse in the blogosphere, I want to clarify my intentions: I've washed my hands of dating, but that don't mean some geek shouldn't try to get his hands dirty with me.

To put my money where my mouth is, I am revealing below the two things I most fear in a prospective mate, and challenge the Readers to suggest someone suitable for me who a) embodies these qualities, and b) could actually get away with wearing this:

Geeky yarmulke

Male Orthodox Jews wear yarmulkas (or, in Hebrew, a "kippah") to show deference to God above us. Many Jews choose the specific fabric of the yarmulka to identify with specific religious or political sub-groups.


Clearly, the person who chose this design identified with an iPod, a Treo, and a PSP - none of which I own.
(courtesy of Gizmodo via Boing Boing)

BTW, Good luck - I'm not holding my breath.


PS: those of you who noticed the numerous double entendres on the first read-through, call me. But don't tell anyone, because I'm not dating.