Saturday, April 30, 2005

What Googling Can Do for You

Despite recent claims to the contrary on other blogs (which shall here remain nameless), Googling prospective dates/mates/hates can result in a positive learning experience. As is usual with Google, what one begins searching for is soon replaced by a succession of other fascinating search and retrieval options. It's a bit like looking up words in the dictionary - or in my case, names in the phone book. (Remember, I am 78% nerd.) It's all about serendipity and the wonder of discovery; this is the beauty of randomized online research and internet stalking.

For instance, on a recent Google quest for some crucial sociological data, I inadvertently learned that the January, 1992 issue of Playboy featured a groundbreaking interview with the amazing comic genius Robin Williams, and that Woody Harrelson was the designated "stud man" of this memorable decade. Who knew?

More important than Google's function in the acquisition of cultural literacy is, perhaps, the power of Google to facilitate self-knowledge. In a recent session I learned that

* In 2004, my father (deceased since 1983) and his bookstore were the hapless victims of real estate fraud in Denver, CO.
* My mother is a minister of the United church of Religious Science in Vero Beach, FL.
* The last person I slept with is, in fact, not an indigent, über-Jewish, and neurotic UES playwright, but a successful Los Angeles screenwriter who freelances for the National Review. (I knew he was "a registered Republican," but this goes too far.)
* The first person I slept with is not a depressed Mexican-American office lackey with a Chevy Vega, once convicted for embezzlement and who never left my hometown, but a friendly, socially-adjusted photographer who occasionally teaches how-to workshops at the Timonium, MD branch of REI.

Thus, according to Google, I am likely a bookish, theistically-inclined, open-minded, trusting (and somewhat gullible) woman with a fondness for photography and a tendency to choose unsuitable bedmates ... Hello?!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Bloygevalt's Poetry Corner

Bloygevalt seeks to be more than an unoriginal forum for a single woman's sexual frustration,* generalized Seeleschmerz, obscure ethnic recipes, and the tedious, ventriloquized ramblings of disgruntled pets. In the interest of variety and the apotheosis of the human spirit, Bloygevalt aims to become one of the millions of valued and respected cultural resources on the internets.

In pursuit of these lofty goals, Bloygevalt will, from time to time, present the work of famous but mostly not-so-famous writers, highlighting a diverse range of genre and quality.‡ To ease our disinterested (and most likely, imaginary) readership into this new format, Bloygevalt will start with something simple - possibly progressing at a later date to complex rhyme schemes and meter; some memorization may be required.

3 Haiku

Blogless, my one hope
I see you through bright windows
But cannot hear you.

Illumine my room,
Morning, bring my life to me
But make the cat go —

What is it to love?
Tender shrimp on a man's lip:
Nasty adventures.

* A woman who has just reached her sexual prime, BTW.
Unsolicited submissions are welcome but may be ridiculed in the blog, or rejected outright, as the editors are only interested in themselves.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Pesach II: The Reckoning



When we eat, food passes down the esophagus (gullet) into the stomach. Cells in the lining of the stomach make acid and other chemicals which help to digest food. Stomach cells also make a mucus which protects them from damage from the acid. The cells lining the esophagus are different and have little protection from acid. There is a circular band of muscle (a 'sphincter') at the junction between the esophagus and stomach. This relaxes to allow food down, but normally tightens up and stops food and acid leaking back up (refluxing) into the esophagus. In effect, the sphincter acts like a valve. The esophagus has two sphincters to help keep the digested food, acid, and pepsin where they belong. Sometimes, however, sphincter failure occurs. Sphincter failure is a known factor in 38% of unsuccessful love relationships.

Get to know your sphincters. Learn to recognize the early symptoms of argument, chronic misunderstanding, or acute discussion.

Above all, be prepared. Even if no one else listens to your excuses, your sphincters hear, and thank you.



Here's a handy formula!
Memorize it and keep the diagram ready for those "tricky situations" when you need a really good answer to life's tough questions.







Saturday, April 23, 2005

Kosher for Passover: General Prologue


Whan that April with his showres soote,
The droughte of March hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veine in swich licour,
Of which flirtu engendred is the flour;
Whan mens and womens in their boozèd breeth
Inspired to mak fooles unto the deeth,
And crawl about until the yonge sonne
Is well beyond his halve cours yronne,
And hungry cats maken melodye
So that we sleepen all with open yë -
So priketh hem Nature in hir courage –
Thanne longen mens their hunger to assuage
In straunge Jew food and 5 lb slabs of meat
So pilgrims go to Pesach for to eat;
And specially from every borough’s ende
They wear the fat pants ready to pretende
Elijah, holy prophet, for to seeke
To drink Hebe swill that maketh others seke.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

When I grow up ... I want to be a Hebe



Now I know I was right to embrace my Jewessness
(and I already have the necessary thighs):


"Ηebe was the daughter of Zeus and Hera. Legend has it that she was born not of their union, but of a very strange conception: when Hera having been invited to dinner by Apollo, ate of some wild lettuce and in this manner became pregnant. ...

"Hebe above all others symbolized youth - vivacity, élan and beauty which characterize the tender period of human life. Her chief duty was to offer nectar and ambrosia to the gods.

"Ambrosia was the food that kept the gods eternally young and protected them from the attrition of time. Thus the gods remained strong and beautiful, while Hebe was the personification of eternal youth. She lost her position as cup-bearer of the gods, however, as the result of a fall which exposed her to the eyes of all in a rather indecent posture. Her nakedness shocked the gods, and this unseemliness being considered ill-matched to the manners of the Olympians, she was henceforth deemed unfit to perform her former duties. She was soon replaced by Ganymede, distinguished among mortals for his extraordinary beauty, who charmed even Zeus himself. Zeus is said either to have ordered an eagle to seize Ganymede and bring him to Olympus, or else to have carried the youth off himself, in order to take him into his service."

I am no worshipper of Hygia, who was the daughter of that old herb-doctor Asclepius ... but rather of Hebe ... who had the power of restoring gods and men to the vigour of youth. She was probably the only thoroughly sound-conditioned, healthy, and robust young lady that ever walked the globe, and whenever she came it was spring.

- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Anyone who knows me can attest to my unusually strong affinity for lettuce, and my tendency to stumble into compromising positions where - if I don't reveal my Paul Frank day-of-the-week Julius "fundiewear," some other kind of nakedness results - usually to the dismay of all present.

And don't get me started on Ganymede - if I had a nickel for each time I've been replaced by a pretty boy, well, I wouldn't need a blog.

Mom will be pleased to learn that "Hebe's relationship with her mother was very strong; indeed, she helped Hera with all her chores. When her mother had to depart, Hebe prepared her chariot. So enough about doing the dishes, please!

Wreathëd smiles
Such as hang on Hebe's cheek,
And love to live in dimple sleek.


- Milton: L'Allegro

Thursday, April 14, 2005

My Brilliant Career

Until recently, I've refused to flaunt my "checkered past" too frequently. Like many of you, I consider porn a controversial subject: best brought up on a first date, rather than in a blog or via email. But the invasive power of Internet2, and my ever-mounting blog-sponsobilities on Internet1, have finally put an end to all efforts at modesty.

Most of you are probably familiar with my work: the ground-breaking "Nasty Adventures" section of the Nov. 95 issue of Sex Acts, as well as the critically-acclaimed short story "Nouvelle Cuisine," featured in the Feb. 96 issue of Leg Action. But now, with the support of others, I can finally "come out" as a full-frontal porn artiste - and not just one more Ventura County mover and shaker behind the scenes.

It's fair to say that my all-time favorite cinematic endeavor is Poked in the Burger Shack: the legend of Big Boy (1978). In this unforgettable soft-core classic, a foursome of attractive urban singles try to save their fledgling 1950's-style drive-in restaurant in an all-night speed-dating marathon. Later, after joining the Raw Food Movement, they find a lonely and very hungry woman living in a seedy downtown bar. They graciously invite her to their diner, but along the way take an unexpected detour with sexy results: a wanton knitting orgy on the steps of City Hall, where public employees look on in horror and titillation. After their hot-blooded municipal excesses, the five then hole up in the empty diner, snacking on cashew loaf and telling each other's fortune with a magical erotic cootie-catcher someone finds lying on the counter in a pool of stale Mountain Dew. Every one of these "fortunes" is lovingly and accurately dramatized in the classical truth or dare fashion of Hollywood's Golden Age. I won't give away the ending, but it involves edible underwear, Jennifer Aniston, adorable baby animals, kidnapping, raw meat of questionable origin, and a whole lotta love!

Poked in the Burger Shack: the legend of Big Boy, 1978.
Starring Puff Canyon and Booger N. Oak; featuring Lobo "Long John" Wilde as "Chef."

Insatiable boredom saved my life

And the winner is ...
EGIT!

EGIT, you have won 25 cases of Mountain Dew, courtesy of Dorian's Red Hand.

Monday, April 11, 2005

EVERYTHING IS OK

Hi friends and supporters!

I am healthy and well treated.
I have nearly everything I could possibly need: marmite, a washcloth, and 4 out of 5 "Antoine Doinel" films.
Every Thursday is pizza day here at the compound!


OAGXP KAG FDK M XUFFXQ TMDPQD? YK EODMFOTQE MDQ SQFFUZS UZRQOFQP.
ALEX'W XLMW M LIEV EFSYX NIRRMJIV ERMWXSR?
GVS KOBHG 25 QOGSG CT TWGVSFAOB'G GIDDSF ZSTH OH HVS PZWADWS CB 14HV OBR 1GH PM 12:30 DA KSRBSGROM.
PK ARANUKJA WP ZKJ'P SWOPA PDA SEPPU, BQVVSKNGO, WJZ KLA: PDA IKQJPWEJ ZAS WP ZKNEWJ'O NAZ DWJZ EO PWEJPAZ.

Meow

-Lisa

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Attention! Atención! Achtung! Attenzione! Preter Atenti! Atendere! внимание! Daq Yuj Da'Pol!

Until further notice, I am assuming all responsibilities for Bloygevalt and Bloygevalt-related products. Please do not contact Lisa H. through this blog. She no longer has access to her computer and cannot reply.

If you are interested in purchasing a Bloygevalt brand® t-shirt or lunchbox with my picture on it, please contact Bloygevalt, PLC at dr_kogepan@hellokitty.com, with "your product choice" in the subject area.

That is all.

Alice

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I was right

If you're reading this, then you've noticed that I haven't posted anything on my blog for several days.
In the mean time, I

* Cooked (and ate) bhindi masala

* Resolved my outstanding "sleep debt"

* Completed many of the thankless tasks on my list, excepting some household chores (the carpet is turning into a scattered field of cat litter, but whatever.)

* Shredded 3 years' of credit card and bank statements, 1999-2001 (you should always keep the last 4 years of all financial records)

* Wrote 3 job application letters

* Put away 1 month's worth of clean laundry that has been accruing disinterest on my bedroom floor (I didn't know I had so many pair of underwear!) ("pair" is a plural noun, BTW)

* Spent 3 hours at the NYPL writing a new outline for my dissertation. If I post anything more about this, however, I probably will not look again at my outline.

* Had 2 "fruitful" sessions with Dr. A

* Went to yoga class twice

Based on this flurry of normal daily activity, there is only one logical conclusion to make. As Kurt so eloquently put it (offblog), this blog is an "energy hole." I have other, more important holes that deserve my attention at present. The hole in my soul is only one of them.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Gone Fishin'



Since I began this blog, nearly every aspect in my life has taken a turn for the worse, or not improved, except for my sinus infection. This is all documented in my blog. Nevertheless, I think that I have only the blog to blame.

Therefore, until conditions improve, I will be decreasing most Bloygevalt-related activities, in the hope that all of the mental, emotional, and physical energy I devote to posting, searching for cool pictures, and finding ironically appropriate hyperlinks can be put to some other, "better" use - like not working on my dissertation, applying in futility for any job that will have me, and trying to figure out all of the reasons why I am, apparently, unworthy of what every other unworthy person I know seems to have. (Commenting remains a priority, however.)

I know there are others out there who feel as I do, and I hope we can find each other and stand in solidarity as, in mutual silence and anguish, we watch our lives further implode.

For all the rest of you, I'll comment as soon as you post something new.


That is all.