If 35 is the new 25…

... then 36 is the new 39 ½.

Always curious and eager to know ever more about myself and the world around me, I am an avid taker of online surveys and questionnaires. Contrary to popular opinion, these self-tests are usually a far cry from the “Rate Your Sexpertise” –style quizzes in Cosmo, except for the “Rate Your Sexpertise”-style quizzes. I highly recommend that you steal a few precious and irretrievable minutes from your rote activities and build at least one online questionnaire into your weekly routine. Not only will you learn a lot, but it’s cheaper than therapy. And, after all, what have you got to lose but 20 minutes, your tired self-image, and – possibly - your identity?

Today I took the RealAge® Questionnaire.* It is designed to help people discover how new improvements in diet, attitude, and lifestyle can offset the ravages of diet, attitude, and lifestyle. Despite my failure to get carded at bars and liquor stores (even in the small college town from whence I hail), people rarely assume I’m as old as I claim to be. Perhaps this is because of my youthful demeanor, underdeveloped secondary sexual characteristics, or emotionally immature behavior. Or maybe it’s just because I “seem young.” In any case, youth is something I have - until recently – taken for granted.

Not Anymore.

In the RealAge® test, your “real age” is adjusted upward or down depending on the answers you provide to relentless and overly intimate questions about your income, pet choices, and resting heart rate, among others.

Apparently, I answered quite a few questions incorrectly. Thankfully, RealAge® also provides helpful hints as to how one might reverse the seemingly permanent effects of the questionnaire with a few strategic lifestyle adjustments.

As a past-my-prime 39 ½ year old with no love life to speak of, no career, and few prospects, I can tell you first-hand that strategy is what life is all about.


My Personalized Anti-Aging Recommendations:

TO RELIEVE THE EFFECTS OF UNAVOIDABLE STRESS IN YOUR LIFE, SPEND MORE TIME BUILDING AND MAINTAINING STRONG, CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS.
Hello! Do you think I’d be wasting any of my time with Salon.com, Match.com, Jewish Singles Coffee Klatsch, and WWF Smackdown (and even my Clown College Alumni Association) if I weren’t already trying to relieve the effects of unavoidable stress in this very way?

DO MORE STRENGTH-BUILDING ACTIVITIES AND INCREASE THE INTENSITY OF YOUR OVERALL WORKOUT. YOU MAY ALSO CONSIDER ADDING ANOTHER CARDIOVASCULAR ACTIVITY TO YOUR ROUTINE.
As already stated, WWF Smackdown, et al. were not conducive to adding “another cardiovascular activity” to my routine.

CONTINUE NOT TO SMOKE.
OK. Tell me something I and everyone else born before 1966 don’t know.

OWN A DOG IF POSSIBLE.
I see. A cat you’ve lived with, cried with, loved with for nearly 15 years counts for absolutely nothing if you’re over 35. Anyway, my landlady won’t amend the lease; the sooner I die, the sooner she can jack up the rent for the lucky part-time web developer/full-time screenwriter/freelance handbag designer who slept with the realtor just to get into this zip code.

REVIEW YOUR MEDICATIONS WITH YOUR DOCTOR FOR POSSIBLE ADVERSE DRUG INTERACTIONS.
Possible side effects include dizziness, nausea, headache, moodiness, anxiety, constipation, and in rare cases, death. Symptoms of adverse drug interactions include dizziness, nausea, headache, improved outlook, increased motivation, excessive friendliness, and in rare cases, pleasure.

REDUCE YOUR DRIVING SPEED TO NO MORE THAN 5 MILES PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.
“Hi. Can you take me to 48th St. and 9th Ave.? But please - take it easy on the speed.”

TAKE THE ANXIETY HEALTH ASSESSMENT FOR PERSONALIZED RECOMMENDATIONS.
Don't let persistent worries control your daily life. Take this quiz to find out what you should be doing to best battle your anxiety.
Don’t patronize me. I pay a crack team of medical professionals to tell me how best to battle my anxiety.


Thank You, RealAge®. Now I can subtract 3.5 years from my projected lifespan with the confidence and peace of mind I deserve.


* This blog in no way endorses, advocates, or otherwise shills for RealAge® branded products, lifestyles, and opinions, or their sponsors.

My Night with the Diamond, My Life with the Diamond

Not since my birth have I experienced anything as apotheostically fantastic as last night's Neil Diamond concert at Madison Square Garden. I can only pray that future milestones - such as marriage, the birth of children, and my (perhaps untimely) death - will provide even half of the joy and sense of total self-realization as being in a packed arena as thousands upon thousands of 50+ couples, gal-pals, and their bored yet slightly curious children stood up, waved their hands, and sang "Sweet Caroline."


Who could say "no" to this punim? Or that hair?

Although I'm not expecting to marry any time in the foreseeable future, I'm taking this opportunity to direct you to my registry. It would be a good idea to begin saving now, as these plates are a bit pricey and hard to come by, and I and my future spouse will need a standard place-setting for eight.


AUTOGRAPHED NEIL DIAMOND ART PLATE-Measuring 10½" inches in diameter, "Beautiful Noise" depicts Diamond as he is seen performing in front of his devoted fans. It was manufactured in 1997 by Gartlan USA, and features the artwork of Michael J. Taylor. Issue price was $225. This piece is in mint/new condition. Autographed by Neil Diamond. Hand signed in gold paint pen.

It's a first, but I'm truly at a loss for words. For a more comprehensive run-down of last evening's events, please see Virgin-ia's post at DWTW: Why I Want to Be a Backup Singer for The Diamond.

"I Got Better"

Too much time in bars of late has made me a sometimes darts enthusiast. In order to get better (i.e., not have the darts taken from me by concerned bar patrons/annoyed friends), I bought a cheap board and accoutrements for home practice. As with most of my interests, I display a promising bit of "raw talent" which I am motivated to polish up, then get distracted by other things, like looking for a job, One Tree Hill, and illegal filesharing.

So, I have not lived up to my initial declaration of nightly practice followed by icepacks and a therapeutic rubdown (sadly, self-inflicted). A good excuse has been the weather, which has been unbearably uncomfortable; two fans - causing small but not insignificant changes in airspeed and flight-vector - were not even enough to make it work. I have been forced either to throw naked, or not throw at all.

Also, when you are only 1.75 inches taller than the bottom of the board and are throwing from eight-odd feet away, it's hard to be consistent when you're not practicing on a regular basis. Aim is hardly the problem: remembering how to stand so that I can get the most power out of my throw is the real issue. It's kind of like Tai Bo, but with sharp things.

This morning, after several days of non-practice, I picked up the darts for a set of random throws and look what I did:


Actual throw. No darts were manipulated or otherwise harmed in the making of this picture.

A little more practice, and maybe a few public rounds of Cricket are in my future. I notice that I seem to do better after a beer, which could be a problem.

Yeah, I know ...

I took a page out of Kurt's book.
I'll write something more interesting as soon as I find out who really "knows" me (i.e., who really cares), and thus if it's even worth writing just to please you all.

It's me, again.

UPDATE

Dear friends, family, ex-lovers, and Owl:

I apologize for the numerous typos and cut-off sentences in my quiz. I take most responsibility for the typos - the remainder goes to Lunesta™. I blame the site for all formatting issues.
Here are some (not all) corrections:

1984 vacation:
"...the NYC fantasy was David Letterman"
Date:
"Dinner and a movie on a Saturday night, followed by a walk through the city"
"Walking across the bridge to Chinatown for dinner, but not walking back"

Also, How well you know Lisa should now be evaluated on a curve, as the "correct" answer on "what would Lisa most like to hear at this moment?" was, believe it or not, wrong.

Now, go back to whatever you were doing.

And now for something sort of different ...

First Tomatoes

This is the first large tomato from my garden. It is from a a volunteer that came up in my plot this spring - I think it is the Russian Black from Tula variety, which I grew last summer. It's supposed to look that way.

The yellow cherry tomatoes are also from volunteers that I found growing in the path and replanted. The larger, dark yellow ones were growing in the plot next to mine last year, and the little, lemon-colored tomatoes are a complete mystery to me. But they're good.

I also planted several heirloom seedlings - Black Krim, Marvel Stripe, and Brandywine - which I purchased, but so far they haven't produced any ripe fruit, or much fruit at all. I started some heirloom seedlings but I don't remember what they are, so when they bear fruit it will be a big surprise. The other volunteers I replanted (3-4) are, so far, of unknown provenance. It will be interesting to see what they turn out to be.

For dinner, I ate the Black from Tula and some of the yellow cherries with slices of fresh mozzarella from a local Italian deli, basil from my garden, olive oil, and a spoonful of the $30 balsamic vinegar I splurged on a month ago. Unfortunately, the Black from Tula was a little watery and bland, which is strange, because it's been very hot and not at all rainy. It's supposed to be a very flavorful tomato. My disappointment was somewhat quelled by the cherries, which were mild and sweet, the fresh cheese, the olive oil, and the overpriced balsamic vinegar.

I used to hate tomatoes.